Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The Celibate Homosexual
An article written for publication, but never accepted.
This is not an easy thing to write. There are issues that touch the very heart of one's personality and, at the same time strike into the heart of prejudices and passions of those around. I've been open about these issues in several forums where I am an active participant, and was asked by a friend to consider submitting something to a certain publication. which decided not to accept it.
I am a lifelong Christian, brought up in the Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod, later, after a rather strange and wandering period, moving on to The Episcopal Church as a committed Anglo-Catholic, then becoming a pastor in Pentecostal and Evangelical circles for a quarter-century, before returning to Anglicanism in what is known as a Continuing Anglican Church. Even in my strangest and most rebellious period, my life was bounded by a respect for Scripture and a commitment to a doctrinal and traditional religion, to the person and work of Jesus Christ and to His Word.
Though I did not recognize it until my twenties, it is apparent in retrospect that, even from childhood, I was not entirely a typical boy. I was always both drawn to and nervous in the presence of other boys, and associated most easily with the girls. In high school I was often called such things as ‘queer’, simply because of that difference, though I didn’t yet even know what homosexuality was. In my early twenties I found that that was an identification I was quite comfortable with, and I lived accordingly for a comparatively brief time. It wasn’t a good time in my life.
It was the knowledge of the Scriptures with which I had been instilled that made it impossible for me to continue the life I was leading. I knew that life was wrong, and thus I was called back to celibacy, and lived that way for about 15 years until I met the woman God had in mind for me and married her. Nearly fifteen years later she died of cancer and I was alone once more, celibate again. Through all that, though I earnestly sought a ‘healing’ from the attractions that had always tempted me, that underlying drawing never did pass from me. I still am, though firmly celibate, very much a same-sex attracted male and likely will continue so to be.
That is a bit about who I am, and perhaps explains a bit of what has drawn me to write a piece like this, but just why did I start this paper, and what do I hope to accomplish by it?
Well, it’s like this: Homosexuality has become more and more prominent in our society, recognized, in fact, as a normal aspect of humanity, to the extent that there is very strong agitation for ‘gay’ civil rights of every sort, including the right of ‘gay’ couples to adopt children, and to enter into civil unions much like (or even deemed to be) marriage. This movement does have major implications for the structure and working of our society.
Those who claim the name of Christian have been divided by this issue (impelled, of course, by differing views of what Christianity is) into two warring groups: those who call themselves ‘open and affirming’ and go so far as to celebrate homosexuality as a good thing, and those who reject homosexuals as unclean, to be despised and rejected, and treat the whole issue as one that merits derision, dismissal, and deep anger. I have felt the impact of both ways of thinking. I have been strongly urged to forget my inhibitions and live the ‘gay’ lifestyle, and I have felt the rejection that arises when I admit what temptations it is that I experience, especially when I admit that, though I have never had improper dealing with a minor, my attraction is far stronger toward boys than toward men. I seem to fall into everyone’s category of people most to be despised.
That is how the issue has impacted me personally, but far more important is its effect on the church and on society in general. This has become the single most divisive issue among those called Christians. When the Episcopal Church authorized the consecration of a "partnered gay" bishop, a man who had left his wife to pursue the homosexual lifestyle, those who had endured all sorts of unbiblical and untraditional errors in both teaching and practice finally rose up in rebellion against the leadership that pushed it through. The ordination of women, the toleration and even promotion of those who denied key credal statements, and many other errors all had come to pass, and these "orthodox" were still there. Why this issue? I call it the "yuk factor". Many of the other issues are, if the truth be recognized, far more important as they touch the core truths of that Gospel without which no man is saved. This issue, however, for reasons more social than theological raises up an emotional revulsion unlike the others, a revulsion both for the sin (which, as for other sins, is right) and for the sinner (which is in essence a denial of the very mission of the One who died to save sinners.
I’m writing this because both attitudes are quite wrong, quite out of accord with Christianity, and entirely unsupported by the Scriptures. Homosexual activity has no place in the Church of God, but homosexual people certainly do. We are all sinners, saved by grace. We are all subject to manifold temptations, and sometimes (often) we fall. Christ died for us while we were yet sinners, and there is still no other kind of person in His church.
He lived among the sinners, scorned by the religious leaders as a friend of sinners. He touched the untouchable, the lepers, the woman with an issue of blood. Presented with a woman caught in adultery, he was so bold as to compare her sin to the secret sins of the religious leaders who wanted her stoned. His word to her as to every other sinner is simple: "You are forgiven. Go, and sin no more." Throughout the history of the Church, He has called the most spectacular of sinners to be the most spectacular of servants, persecutors of the Church (like St. Paul), murderers, libertines (like St. Augustine, who prayed, "Lord make me pure, but not right now" and heard in response, "Now."). He is no respecter of persons, but Lover of all.
He found me in 1964, living a desperately sinful life, and trying to justify it with the same arguments homosexulalists are now using. He spoke to my spirit just as He spoke to that woman in John 8. I accepted His invitation and asked His forgiveness, and he said, "Go, and sin no more." It's been forty-three years and a bit, and, by His grace, through no strength of my own, I've not fallen back into those sins (though I am still far from perfect - God help me). I've even been married (though, I fear, far from the ideal husband), but I am what I am; that has not changed. After these many years I am still a homosexually inclined male. When temptation assaults me, that is the form it still takes. Yes, I am tempted, but temptation is not sin. Our Lord was tempted in all points like as we are, wrote the author of Hebrews, yet without sin. The battle is lifelong, as it is for every man. We are tempted. Temptation looks good. Left to our own devices, sooner or later we fall, but, with the help of God, we can triumph over all the assaults of the Devil. We can live holy lives. There is no reason at all that we cannot become saints. It is our calling.
Where does this lead in practical terms? First of all, the Church must bear witness to the fullness of the truth, part of which is the sacredness of sex within the marriage of a man and a woman, and its utter sinfulness whether hetero- or homo-sexual outside that holy state. There is no acceptable compromise with that. Secondly, the Church is not a pleasant haven for saints but a hospital for sinners. No matter what sin is being committed, the perpetrator needs to know, without question that God's love and the love of his people, toward him or her is unconditional, that nothing can destroy that love. Thirdly, the sinner needs to know that true Christian love does indeed involve helping him to identify his sinfulness and to lead him to repentance, to salvation, and to the fellowship of the Church. We can't neglect that or we have failed to love. Fourthly, it needs to be very clear indeed that we are all, as members of the Church, under the same discipline, one of whose principles is that, if we do not marry, we do not have sex, with anyone, and, if we do marry, that gift belongs only to our lawful wedded spouse. According to St. Paul the call to celibacy is a high one, and is to be honored.
The One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church has always had godly celibate priests who are tempted in the ways that I am. Though it appears that, at this stage of my life, I will not be among that number. much as my heart yearns for it, I firmly believe that that is as it should be.
----------Edward W. Pacht
This is not an easy thing to write. There are issues that touch the very heart of one's personality and, at the same time strike into the heart of prejudices and passions of those around. I've been open about these issues in several forums where I am an active participant, and was asked by a friend to consider submitting something to a certain publication. which decided not to accept it.
I am a lifelong Christian, brought up in the Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod, later, after a rather strange and wandering period, moving on to The Episcopal Church as a committed Anglo-Catholic, then becoming a pastor in Pentecostal and Evangelical circles for a quarter-century, before returning to Anglicanism in what is known as a Continuing Anglican Church. Even in my strangest and most rebellious period, my life was bounded by a respect for Scripture and a commitment to a doctrinal and traditional religion, to the person and work of Jesus Christ and to His Word.
Though I did not recognize it until my twenties, it is apparent in retrospect that, even from childhood, I was not entirely a typical boy. I was always both drawn to and nervous in the presence of other boys, and associated most easily with the girls. In high school I was often called such things as ‘queer’, simply because of that difference, though I didn’t yet even know what homosexuality was. In my early twenties I found that that was an identification I was quite comfortable with, and I lived accordingly for a comparatively brief time. It wasn’t a good time in my life.
It was the knowledge of the Scriptures with which I had been instilled that made it impossible for me to continue the life I was leading. I knew that life was wrong, and thus I was called back to celibacy, and lived that way for about 15 years until I met the woman God had in mind for me and married her. Nearly fifteen years later she died of cancer and I was alone once more, celibate again. Through all that, though I earnestly sought a ‘healing’ from the attractions that had always tempted me, that underlying drawing never did pass from me. I still am, though firmly celibate, very much a same-sex attracted male and likely will continue so to be.
That is a bit about who I am, and perhaps explains a bit of what has drawn me to write a piece like this, but just why did I start this paper, and what do I hope to accomplish by it?
Well, it’s like this: Homosexuality has become more and more prominent in our society, recognized, in fact, as a normal aspect of humanity, to the extent that there is very strong agitation for ‘gay’ civil rights of every sort, including the right of ‘gay’ couples to adopt children, and to enter into civil unions much like (or even deemed to be) marriage. This movement does have major implications for the structure and working of our society.
Those who claim the name of Christian have been divided by this issue (impelled, of course, by differing views of what Christianity is) into two warring groups: those who call themselves ‘open and affirming’ and go so far as to celebrate homosexuality as a good thing, and those who reject homosexuals as unclean, to be despised and rejected, and treat the whole issue as one that merits derision, dismissal, and deep anger. I have felt the impact of both ways of thinking. I have been strongly urged to forget my inhibitions and live the ‘gay’ lifestyle, and I have felt the rejection that arises when I admit what temptations it is that I experience, especially when I admit that, though I have never had improper dealing with a minor, my attraction is far stronger toward boys than toward men. I seem to fall into everyone’s category of people most to be despised.
That is how the issue has impacted me personally, but far more important is its effect on the church and on society in general. This has become the single most divisive issue among those called Christians. When the Episcopal Church authorized the consecration of a "partnered gay" bishop, a man who had left his wife to pursue the homosexual lifestyle, those who had endured all sorts of unbiblical and untraditional errors in both teaching and practice finally rose up in rebellion against the leadership that pushed it through. The ordination of women, the toleration and even promotion of those who denied key credal statements, and many other errors all had come to pass, and these "orthodox" were still there. Why this issue? I call it the "yuk factor". Many of the other issues are, if the truth be recognized, far more important as they touch the core truths of that Gospel without which no man is saved. This issue, however, for reasons more social than theological raises up an emotional revulsion unlike the others, a revulsion both for the sin (which, as for other sins, is right) and for the sinner (which is in essence a denial of the very mission of the One who died to save sinners.
I’m writing this because both attitudes are quite wrong, quite out of accord with Christianity, and entirely unsupported by the Scriptures. Homosexual activity has no place in the Church of God, but homosexual people certainly do. We are all sinners, saved by grace. We are all subject to manifold temptations, and sometimes (often) we fall. Christ died for us while we were yet sinners, and there is still no other kind of person in His church.
He lived among the sinners, scorned by the religious leaders as a friend of sinners. He touched the untouchable, the lepers, the woman with an issue of blood. Presented with a woman caught in adultery, he was so bold as to compare her sin to the secret sins of the religious leaders who wanted her stoned. His word to her as to every other sinner is simple: "You are forgiven. Go, and sin no more." Throughout the history of the Church, He has called the most spectacular of sinners to be the most spectacular of servants, persecutors of the Church (like St. Paul), murderers, libertines (like St. Augustine, who prayed, "Lord make me pure, but not right now" and heard in response, "Now."). He is no respecter of persons, but Lover of all.
He found me in 1964, living a desperately sinful life, and trying to justify it with the same arguments homosexulalists are now using. He spoke to my spirit just as He spoke to that woman in John 8. I accepted His invitation and asked His forgiveness, and he said, "Go, and sin no more." It's been forty-three years and a bit, and, by His grace, through no strength of my own, I've not fallen back into those sins (though I am still far from perfect - God help me). I've even been married (though, I fear, far from the ideal husband), but I am what I am; that has not changed. After these many years I am still a homosexually inclined male. When temptation assaults me, that is the form it still takes. Yes, I am tempted, but temptation is not sin. Our Lord was tempted in all points like as we are, wrote the author of Hebrews, yet without sin. The battle is lifelong, as it is for every man. We are tempted. Temptation looks good. Left to our own devices, sooner or later we fall, but, with the help of God, we can triumph over all the assaults of the Devil. We can live holy lives. There is no reason at all that we cannot become saints. It is our calling.
Where does this lead in practical terms? First of all, the Church must bear witness to the fullness of the truth, part of which is the sacredness of sex within the marriage of a man and a woman, and its utter sinfulness whether hetero- or homo-sexual outside that holy state. There is no acceptable compromise with that. Secondly, the Church is not a pleasant haven for saints but a hospital for sinners. No matter what sin is being committed, the perpetrator needs to know, without question that God's love and the love of his people, toward him or her is unconditional, that nothing can destroy that love. Thirdly, the sinner needs to know that true Christian love does indeed involve helping him to identify his sinfulness and to lead him to repentance, to salvation, and to the fellowship of the Church. We can't neglect that or we have failed to love. Fourthly, it needs to be very clear indeed that we are all, as members of the Church, under the same discipline, one of whose principles is that, if we do not marry, we do not have sex, with anyone, and, if we do marry, that gift belongs only to our lawful wedded spouse. According to St. Paul the call to celibacy is a high one, and is to be honored.
The One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church has always had godly celibate priests who are tempted in the ways that I am. Though it appears that, at this stage of my life, I will not be among that number. much as my heart yearns for it, I firmly believe that that is as it should be.
----------Edward W. Pacht
Saturday, April 12, 2008
My other sites
Here's a list of sites I have to do with.
1. My Layreader Homilies based on the 1940 Lectionary of the USA 1928 BCP
www.sermons4layreaders.com
2. The Continuum, a Blog I cohost
http://anglicancontinuum.blogspot.com/
3. Anglican Diaspora, a Discussion boeard on which I serve as a moderator:
http://anglodiaspora.proboards85.com/index.cgi?
ed
1. My Layreader Homilies based on the 1940 Lectionary of the USA 1928 BCP
www.sermons4layreaders.com
2. The Continuum, a Blog I cohost
http://anglicancontinuum.blogspot.com/
3. Anglican Diaspora, a Discussion boeard on which I serve as a moderator:
http://anglodiaspora.proboards85.com/index.cgi?
ed
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Depression II
My new chapbook, #46 Stones for Seamus is out.
($6.00 postpaid from
ed pacht
223 Wyandotte Falls,
Rochester NH 03867)
This is from the chapbook.
March 8, 2008. For the past few days I've been feeling rather depressed. There seems to be no particular reason for it, but it is there, and very real indeed. There has been a lot of good happening, but also a few things not to my liking. I know better, but my mind and my emotions seem to seize upon what is unpleasant and to bypass all the good. That is not God's fault, nor is it really mine. In the eternal battle of the children of Light against the very real powers of darkness, the temptation to despair is among the enemy's most effective weapons. I'm feeling that force, very much so, but I know better. Depression may be with me, but so is God, and He is good. ...
Depression II
Life is good, and I know it.
God is good, and what He made is good,
and that is also what I know,
but what I know I do not always know,
and what I feel is not always what is true;
and in a world that He has filled with beauty,
often gloomy grayness fills my sight and mind,
and even in the glories of the grand creation,
even in the wonders of the small unseen,
and even in the knowledge that for sin there is redemption,
and that ugliness is outshone by gold,
even knowing as I know, that nothing I can do in error
has the power to undo His loving work;
even then my mind is tinged with darkness,
even then I hover at the edge of bleak despair,
even then I groan, complain, and anguish,
even knowing, as I know, that He is there.
Darkness often seems to fill the world around me,
and the light I know is shining is to me almost unseen,
but in the darkness it is surely shining,
and its beams are pressing up against the gloom,
and the fog of doubt and deep uncertain feeling,
planted by unfriendly, ever-hurtful hands,
and spawned by Hell's fierce darkness of despair,
cannot hold against the unrelenting force of Light,
and shall yield.
And I shall rise,
and shall see beyond the gloom,
where Light forever shines,
and so shall I,
perhaps, it seems, not now, but then,
for God is good and does not ever change.
($6.00 postpaid from
ed pacht
223 Wyandotte Falls,
Rochester NH 03867)
This is from the chapbook.
March 8, 2008. For the past few days I've been feeling rather depressed. There seems to be no particular reason for it, but it is there, and very real indeed. There has been a lot of good happening, but also a few things not to my liking. I know better, but my mind and my emotions seem to seize upon what is unpleasant and to bypass all the good. That is not God's fault, nor is it really mine. In the eternal battle of the children of Light against the very real powers of darkness, the temptation to despair is among the enemy's most effective weapons. I'm feeling that force, very much so, but I know better. Depression may be with me, but so is God, and He is good. ...
Depression II
Life is good, and I know it.
God is good, and what He made is good,
and that is also what I know,
but what I know I do not always know,
and what I feel is not always what is true;
and in a world that He has filled with beauty,
often gloomy grayness fills my sight and mind,
and even in the glories of the grand creation,
even in the wonders of the small unseen,
and even in the knowledge that for sin there is redemption,
and that ugliness is outshone by gold,
even knowing as I know, that nothing I can do in error
has the power to undo His loving work;
even then my mind is tinged with darkness,
even then I hover at the edge of bleak despair,
even then I groan, complain, and anguish,
even knowing, as I know, that He is there.
Darkness often seems to fill the world around me,
and the light I know is shining is to me almost unseen,
but in the darkness it is surely shining,
and its beams are pressing up against the gloom,
and the fog of doubt and deep uncertain feeling,
planted by unfriendly, ever-hurtful hands,
and spawned by Hell's fierce darkness of despair,
cannot hold against the unrelenting force of Light,
and shall yield.
And I shall rise,
and shall see beyond the gloom,
where Light forever shines,
and so shall I,
perhaps, it seems, not now, but then,
for God is good and does not ever change.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Beyond the Dust
Guess I really ought to put something in here once in a while. I wrote this today.
February 6, 2008. Ash Wednesday. Lent began today. I drove up the hill through the cold rain to the solemn, yet joy-filled Mass of the day, and emerged with a dirty face, marked with ashes and the words, "Remember, O Man, that dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return."
Beyond the Dust
Dust,
ashes,
mortality,
an ending deserved,
an outcome worked for,
by denial of life,
by rejection of Him,
who is Life,
who makes life,
who breathes Life into life,
and loves whom He has made,
and grieves at the death
I have chosen.
Dust and ashes have I chosen,
Love and peace I have rejected.
From the dust my life was formed,
and to the dust I shall return it,
for I have spurned the One who made me,
daily have His loving will denied,
and by my choices choose
the sin,
the dust,
the ashes,
and the dread mortality,
and by my choices hope has faded from me,
and I die
and shall not live,
unless ...
unless ...
unless I hear the loving call,
of Him who came into creation,
and, ruling in a reign of love,
a reign begun in pains upon a torture tree,
a reign that passed into the realms of death,
and dying broke those fearsome gates,
rose,
and calls,
and summons me to live,
and leads me past those grey dim ashes
into everlasting life.
--------------------ed pacht
February 6, 2008. Ash Wednesday. Lent began today. I drove up the hill through the cold rain to the solemn, yet joy-filled Mass of the day, and emerged with a dirty face, marked with ashes and the words, "Remember, O Man, that dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return."
Beyond the Dust
Dust,
ashes,
mortality,
an ending deserved,
an outcome worked for,
by denial of life,
by rejection of Him,
who is Life,
who makes life,
who breathes Life into life,
and loves whom He has made,
and grieves at the death
I have chosen.
Dust and ashes have I chosen,
Love and peace I have rejected.
From the dust my life was formed,
and to the dust I shall return it,
for I have spurned the One who made me,
daily have His loving will denied,
and by my choices choose
the sin,
the dust,
the ashes,
and the dread mortality,
and by my choices hope has faded from me,
and I die
and shall not live,
unless ...
unless ...
unless I hear the loving call,
of Him who came into creation,
and, ruling in a reign of love,
a reign begun in pains upon a torture tree,
a reign that passed into the realms of death,
and dying broke those fearsome gates,
rose,
and calls,
and summons me to live,
and leads me past those grey dim ashes
into everlasting life.
--------------------ed pacht
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