The Celibate Homosexual

An article written for publication, but never accepted.

This is not an easy thing to write. There are issues that touch the very heart of one's personality and, at the same time strike into the heart of prejudices and passions of those around. I've been open about these issues in several forums where I am an active participant, and was asked by a friend to consider submitting something to a certain publication. which decided not to accept it.

I am a lifelong Christian, brought up in the Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod, later, after a rather strange and wandering period, moving on to The Episcopal Church as a committed Anglo-Catholic, then becoming a pastor in Pentecostal and Evangelical circles for a quarter-century, before returning to Anglicanism in what is known as a Continuing Anglican Church. Even in my strangest and most rebellious period, my life was bounded by a respect for Scripture and a commitment to a doctrinal and traditional religion, to the person and work of Jesus Christ and to His Word.

Though I did not recognize it until my twenties, it is apparent in retrospect that, even from childhood, I was not entirely a typical boy. I was always both drawn to and nervous in the presence of other boys, and associated most easily with the girls. In high school I was often called such things as ‘queer’, simply because of that difference, though I didn’t yet even know what homosexuality was. In my early twenties I found that that was an identification I was quite comfortable with, and I lived accordingly for a comparatively brief time. It wasn’t a good time in my life.

It was the knowledge of the Scriptures with which I had been instilled that made it impossible for me to continue the life I was leading. I knew that life was wrong, and thus I was called back to celibacy, and lived that way for about 15 years until I met the woman God had in mind for me and married her. Nearly fifteen years later she died of cancer and I was alone once more, celibate again. Through all that, though I earnestly sought a ‘healing’ from the attractions that had always tempted me, that underlying drawing never did pass from me. I still am, though firmly celibate, very much a same-sex attracted male and likely will continue so to be.

That is a bit about who I am, and perhaps explains a bit of what has drawn me to write a piece like this, but just why did I start this paper, and what do I hope to accomplish by it?

Well, it’s like this: Homosexuality has become more and more prominent in our society, recognized, in fact, as a normal aspect of humanity, to the extent that there is very strong agitation for ‘gay’ civil rights of every sort, including the right of ‘gay’ couples to adopt children, and to enter into civil unions much like (or even deemed to be) marriage. This movement does have major implications for the structure and working of our society.

Those who claim the name of Christian have been divided by this issue (impelled, of course, by differing views of what Christianity is) into two warring groups: those who call themselves ‘open and affirming’ and go so far as to celebrate homosexuality as a good thing, and those who reject homosexuals as unclean, to be despised and rejected, and treat the whole issue as one that merits derision, dismissal, and deep anger. I have felt the impact of both ways of thinking. I have been strongly urged to forget my inhibitions and live the ‘gay’ lifestyle, and I have felt the rejection that arises when I admit what temptations it is that I experience, especially when I admit that, though I have never had improper dealing with a minor, my attraction is far stronger toward boys than toward men. I seem to fall into everyone’s category of people most to be despised.
That is how the issue has impacted me personally, but far more important is its effect on the church and on society in general. This has become the single most divisive issue among those called Christians. When the Episcopal Church authorized the consecration of a "partnered gay" bishop, a man who had left his wife to pursue the homosexual lifestyle, those who had endured all sorts of unbiblical and untraditional errors in both teaching and practice finally rose up in rebellion against the leadership that pushed it through. The ordination of women, the toleration and even promotion of those who denied key credal statements, and many other errors all had come to pass, and these "orthodox" were still there. Why this issue? I call it the "yuk factor". Many of the other issues are, if the truth be recognized, far more important as they touch the core truths of that Gospel without which no man is saved. This issue, however, for reasons more social than theological raises up an emotional revulsion unlike the others, a revulsion both for the sin (which, as for other sins, is right) and for the sinner (which is in essence a denial of the very mission of the One who died to save sinners.

I’m writing this because both attitudes are quite wrong, quite out of accord with Christianity, and entirely unsupported by the Scriptures. Homosexual activity has no place in the Church of God, but homosexual people certainly do. We are all sinners, saved by grace. We are all subject to manifold temptations, and sometimes (often) we fall. Christ died for us while we were yet sinners, and there is still no other kind of person in His church.

He lived among the sinners, scorned by the religious leaders as a friend of sinners. He touched the untouchable, the lepers, the woman with an issue of blood. Presented with a woman caught in adultery, he was so bold as to compare her sin to the secret sins of the religious leaders who wanted her stoned. His word to her as to every other sinner is simple: "You are forgiven. Go, and sin no more." Throughout the history of the Church, He has called the most spectacular of sinners to be the most spectacular of servants, persecutors of the Church (like St. Paul), murderers, libertines (like St. Augustine, who prayed, "Lord make me pure, but not right now" and heard in response, "Now."). He is no respecter of persons, but Lover of all.

He found me in 1964, living a desperately sinful life, and trying to justify it with the same arguments homosexulalists are now using. He spoke to my spirit just as He spoke to that woman in John 8. I accepted His invitation and asked His forgiveness, and he said, "Go, and sin no more." It's been forty-three years and a bit, and, by His grace, through no strength of my own, I've not fallen back into those sins (though I am still far from perfect - God help me). I've even been married (though, I fear, far from the ideal husband), but I am what I am; that has not changed. After these many years I am still a homosexually inclined male. When temptation assaults me, that is the form it still takes. Yes, I am tempted, but temptation is not sin. Our Lord was tempted in all points like as we are, wrote the author of Hebrews, yet without sin. The battle is lifelong, as it is for every man. We are tempted. Temptation looks good. Left to our own devices, sooner or later we fall, but, with the help of God, we can triumph over all the assaults of the Devil. We can live holy lives. There is no reason at all that we cannot become saints. It is our calling.
Where does this lead in practical terms? First of all, the Church must bear witness to the fullness of the truth, part of which is the sacredness of sex within the marriage of a man and a woman, and its utter sinfulness whether hetero- or homo-sexual outside that holy state. There is no acceptable compromise with that. Secondly, the Church is not a pleasant haven for saints but a hospital for sinners. No matter what sin is being committed, the perpetrator needs to know, without question that God's love and the love of his people, toward him or her is unconditional, that nothing can destroy that love. Thirdly, the sinner needs to know that true Christian love does indeed involve helping him to identify his sinfulness and to lead him to repentance, to salvation, and to the fellowship of the Church. We can't neglect that or we have failed to love. Fourthly, it needs to be very clear indeed that we are all, as members of the Church, under the same discipline, one of whose principles is that, if we do not marry, we do not have sex, with anyone, and, if we do marry, that gift belongs only to our lawful wedded spouse. According to St. Paul the call to celibacy is a high one, and is to be honored.

The One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church has always had godly celibate priests who are tempted in the ways that I am. Though it appears that, at this stage of my life, I will not be among that number. much as my heart yearns for it, I firmly believe that that is as it should be.

----------Edward W. Pacht